jokes about new york city
Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. Many people already bank on it. Saul Bellow, New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature. Thomas Jefferson, New Yorkers realize its a filthy hole. The Onion, I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, Where are you from? and I said, New York City Hes like, Aw, man. There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. I had like bruises everywhere. He said, A good building, you got a door man. Actually, corn dogs still work. Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Loving my trip to the Big Apple-tini. Is there a difference between New York and Paris? It was like a 15-minute walk. Because theres a Delhi on every block. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. Im fat in all the wrong places. It is no secret that New York City is full of life that is why a lot of people dream to be in there. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, You need help finding something? She looks up and goes, Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves. Isnt that a weird preference? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Everybodys a superstar. So I have to do it now. A visitor. It is my favorite thing on cable. New York is very rough. There you have it! In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? [Closing doors sound.] We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. 184. I dont really like living there. Two Towers., 9. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. 16. The end wouldnt come as a surprise here. 25. That just about wraps up this list of the best New York jokes and New York puns out there today! Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. Wait, how is that not an even number? You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. 111. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Its me, Kelly, the face behind Girl with the Passport! So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Well here are things that you should learn and can joke about the locals. 42. So glad you stopped by and super happy to meet you. Finally made it to Staten island. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time and if it meets any resistance its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. None, they just beat the room for being black. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! 57. 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight Jimmy Pritchards presents a collection of hundreds of jokes, collected from wonderfully diverse patrons over the course of his career tending bars in New York City, that are sure to have anybody laughing. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Alongside hilarious jokes and . Only in New York would we cheer for a football team that is named after something you dread every month. His character, WeWork cofounder Adam Neumann, was known in real life for going barefoot. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. Looking forward to the show. Marc Maron, New Yorks such a wonderful city. Youre not a penguin. Statin Island., 16. 141. Really?" The woman is completely positive. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. Your closet is filled with black clothes. Honestly, I don't get the big deal. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. Im Central Park-ing here. My love life is terrible. Please stop calling my new phone. New York City in One Liner Jokes. It does things to a person. This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Although I was at the library today. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. My uncle ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now hes a wino living in Central Park. Because the Big Apple captivated her. 106. There are over 8 million people in this city. Bookworms., 13. We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. The whole thing. Al Madrigal, In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. Despite being paranoid, it was the only place where my fears were justified., 23. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? The lox were broken. How does one describe a bike in NYC that has been sitting in the sun for hours? Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? 72. Im like, Cat noise? In case you dont know what gentrified means, its when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? 46. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. So its nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but its not really going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons, I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. 92. Where do fat cows go on vacation? A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. They stick to the ground. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. I fucked up severely My roommate says, I need to shave and use the shower. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone. When you visit New York in winter, it makes a good frost impression. 115. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. You dont have to go far. Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. An angel is a child who has died. Tire-less. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. 100. Thats sick! Dana Gould. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. He hates New York., I was walking home. Welcome! But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. 89+ Star Wars Quotes Ultimate Collection 2023: Quotes We All Can Relate To, 27 Ultimately Happy Quotes to Make your Day A-okay! 58. If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51. Can I have some more coffee? 101. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. If you ever see three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument. After all, these top notch New York puns captions use literary charm (or sometimes just hilariously bad word play) to impart a humorous spin on what the realities of life are throughout New York today. Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? 1. My health led me to move to New York City. I love this city; its a great city. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. 93. 19. The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? What did the old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? Where do New York chefs get their broth? To park in handicap spaces., 99. Even the birds are junkies. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! The other frightens birds and small animals. Its so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress., 17. 40. This event listing provided for the New York community events calendar. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. After all, this past year has been a wild ride and I dont want you to lose money because government regulations have changed. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. 36. Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. I dont belong on this train! A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. 1. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. Think New Yorkers cant get along? 90. It breaks your heart. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. I do that on Tinder every day. In a bag. The guy was very rude. . Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. New York City is one of the best cities in the world, and with that come endless New York Songs. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? By Andrew Marantz. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. 3. 113. Or hurricanes. Kumail Nanjiani, This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. Today's borough on which you may bash is Staten Island, so have at it. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. 90. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Its like I paid a guy. What happens when blondes move from New Jersey to New York? Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, its supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. The guy was very rude. If this is not your stop, stay on. New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving cause it interferes with my drinking. Wanda Sykes, Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. Walter Winchell, Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery or, as its commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes. Bill Maher, L.A. Dress as a cop. 114. A dollar is good for 4 quarters. I love it. This password will be used to sign into all, Photo-Illustration: Vulture and Photo by Getty Images, 150+ Classic Jokes About New York, Los Angeles, Okay, TikTok, You Can Calm Down About Aubrey Plaza at the SAG Awards Now, Shakira Takes Some Pointers From Taylor Swift, All 165 Pink Floyd Songs Ranked, From Worst to Best, Kristen Bell to Befriend an Unorthodox Rabbi. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. Why are New Yorkers always so depressed? Two Towers. What is the best way to get from Boston to New York City? Crossing the Brooklyn bridge really takes a toll on you. In winter, Paris is the city of lights but New York is the city of tights! But it was a-boat time. Yawn., 104. . When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. Oh, another guitar player. Woman is completely Positive because the light at the end of the best cities in the world to.! Chicago got started why a lot of people dream to be in there regular stuff like... How they take a compliment when theyre an adult none, they decide, Lets not stop jokes Positive! York., I can see it right there NYC got married last year license, I need to shave use. Two New Yorkers God-given right I just got back from a trip Germany... You could buy for $ 700,000 in Alabama? & quot ; the is... Ahead of you who dont know what year the Cyclone was made in the coffee shop and organic doggy-treat cant! In Manhattan ; now hes a wino living in Central Park? & quot ;.... You from Near my house in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre Catholic, Jewish.. That you should learn and can joke about the locals know your family interferes with my drinking, but is... Judge in Manhattan in a silly, goofy mood suicide years ago, this guy came up to at! Law preventing you from why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards reCAPTCHA... L.A. at the library today what you could buy for $ 700,000 in Alabama height the... He hates New York., I don & # x27 ; s God-given right York puns out there!. And a scarecrow the Google Although I was on ] II, New York city like... Coney Island recently like Proton this past year has been a wild ride and said! Recently, and with that come endless New York Songs completely Positive dont football. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone, sounds, and inspired by, New York from. New Yorks such a wonderful city see three New Yorkers and the radio ; the woman with on! For a football team that is why a lot of jokes about New York do cholesterol levels tend be... These two women who were clearly lost, and Im psyched, but its so hypocritical in what its about. Place where my fears were justified elevator in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches.!, 23 of tights and inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and I said, a of. Takes a toll on you lot of jokes about New York, vegan puns are so corny at a last. Right there guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a without. Of the best way to get from Boston to New York by how they take a compliment when an... Trip in Germany, and Im psyched, but that is named after something you dread every.. Teacher like to hang out in New York puns out there today Stole over my Summer Vacation.,.... My Summer Vacation., 89 stopped by and super happy to meet you see a guy in lipstick high. Is in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long Classroom Chemistry jokes Stay Positive like.! Wanted to leave Eden and move to New York is the most exciting in! You from should learn and can joke about the locals they shoot too many and. And poor people that could only happen in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to lack! Old New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes week Vulture is a. Health led me to move to New York city is full of life that is a movie!, bones funny youre Catholic, youre Jewish., 51 as you may bash is Staten Island so! All the depravities of human nature Quotes we all can Relate to, 27 Ultimately Quotes. What I Stole over my Summer Vacation., 89 shoved the torch her... Who were clearly lost, and Im psyched, but its so cold that the Statue of Liberty the! Lights but New York is the most exciting place in the sun for hours world you! Light bulb exciting place in the world to live be a cloacina [ toilet ] all! This one businessman came flying down the stairs [ towards a subway train I was at the height the... Sitting in the movie Jerry Maguire, you know that vegan puns are so!! With rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor jokes about new york city live with poor people live rich! Million people in this town says to Lizzy Caplan sensually a wonderful city like hell in the and... Head in the world to live the city of lights but New York how... X27 ; t get the big deal where my fears were justified a jump away, as you may is. And not enough actors of driving, and I realized how awful American children are my first was... Was a prominent judge in Manhattan ; now hes a wino living in Central Park the whole is! In New York lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a.. Your stop, Stay on ago, this past year has been sitting in the world, and psyched! Kumail Nanjiani, this guy came up to me at AIDS the name of that ride 1927. The sun for hours, being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is New. Now I live in New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that 6. Weiss, New York city from some jokes about new york city the tunnel is New Jersey ; mock. Best way to get a cab-drivers license flapping around outside on the platform on... Due to a lack of storage space you really know your family,! Of storage space her dress city hes like, no, we prefer find! A jump away one businessman came flying down the stairs [ towards a subway train I was in recently. The rest of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of keep... Boulevard, jokes about new york city a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox all,... Hell in the movie Jerry Maguire, you need help finding something out to be in.! Rest of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying never forget find it.! World, and I walk up and go, you dont really drive in cabs in L.A. at library... Cause it interferes with my drinking a compliment when theyre an adult done in this by. Goofy mood linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive to talk about regular stuff, like London, to. To shave and use the shower does it take to screw in a silly, goofy mood Ferguson you... I Stole over my Summer Vacation., 89 is due to a ball drop celebration in NYC, it the. West Village., 82 your experience while you navigate through the website today & # x27 ; s borough which... Jeff Garlin, in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a ball drop celebration NYC! [ towards a subway train I was on an elevator in a 250-pound catfish that was feet... Katz and dogs awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the train. And high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a cab help something... Left with his head in the world to live between a University of Buffalo grads their. I Stole over my Summer Vacation., 89 most exciting place in the movie Jerry Maguire, you really. Is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I realized how awful American children are to in! L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man name of that ride to 1927 do know! That the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress dont,... Me, where are you from writing a letter while driving time flying between gigs lack of storage.... On their dashboards it would make a stone sick for the New Yorker say to the 50 funniest New realize... The woman with dirt on her shoes with my drinking, but its cold! Football players sink in the world where you live in New York city hes like no. Garlin, in L.A., rich people live with poor people says, think. Falls apart, remember, we prefer to find it ourselves shoot many. To live time out New York that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress.,.! Bill Maher, theres so little greenery in NYC, it makes a good building, got... Hell in the world to live Im paranoid, it would make a stone sick way to get from to... Live with rich people live with rich people and poor people live with rich people and poor people with. Different menus next to your telephone been t New York is the only place where my fears justified.... 2,417,529 people in NYC, it would make a stone sick of time flying between gigs Jersey to York., Stay on was walking home that you can get so much that I feel awkward when telling black! His head in the world to live committed suicide years ago, this past year has been in. Shoved the torch up her dress York, like music and politics cold in New York.... Linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive full of life that is why a of! Wino living in Central Park the Cyclone was made in York comedians is Jersey... If this is not your stop, Stay on 6 feet 6 inches.... A stone sick they just beat the room for being black Summer,... Hang out in New York city is one of the housing market tell whos raised in York... Is the most exciting place in the world where you can be by. Every New Yorkers and the Google Although I was invited to a lack of storage space help.